


On A Black Wall

by cryinghannie



Series: APPREHENSIONS [4]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Jeonghan has panic disorder, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Some Jeongcheol fluff, jeongcheol - Freeform, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-10-25 18:51:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20729072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryinghannie/pseuds/cryinghannie
Summary: Humans are so attuned to faces because of how much they tell about a person. For someone constantly under the spotlight and critique of the public, Jeonghan couldn't hide how far his mental and physical well-being had deteriorated. But the other members keep Jeonghan on his feet.OR the Internet is flooded with concern for Jeonghan's well-being, and Jeonghan takes it negatively.





	On A Black Wall

**Author's Note:**

> On a black wall, unidentifiable birds  
Swivel their heads and cry.  
There is no talk of immorality among these!  
Cold blanks approach us:  
They move in a hurry.

**June 1**

Jeonghan kept his face completely covered at the airport with a low bucket hat and a black mask covering his mouth and nose. Sunglasses hid his eyes. He stood motionless as they got out of the vans and lined up for photos. Mingyu joked around beside him, trying to lighten the heavy aura coming from the older member. 

When they started making their way through the airport, crowds pressing in on them, Jeonghan stayed in the middle of the group with his head down. Amid the nearly deafening camera shutters he could hear Vernon and DK laughing behind him. 

Once they got to the passenger lounge, Jeonghan sunk into a sofa and stared at the ground. He was cold and his ears felt plugged, muffling the noises around him. Maybe he was getting sick again. 

"Everything okay?" Seungcheol asked, sitting down beside Jeonghan and reaching for his hand. 

Jeonghan quickly pulled away and mumbled, "There's a fansite over there." 

Seungcheol held himself back from looking over at the fansite. He sat back and asked again, "Are you okay?" 

"Apparently I'm trending," Jeonghan said, avoiding the direct question. "People are speculating that I've been starving myself or that I'm sick. The gross photos of me are circulating."

"I'm sure they aren't as bad as they look to you," Seungcheol assured. "People are just worried about you. They can see you're different lately. But we know that you aren't starving yourself and we know that you're not sick; we know what's actually going on, so don't worry about what people are speculating." 

Jeonghan nodded slightly. He took off his sunglasses and folded them, putting them on the coffee table in front of them. His leg started bouncing anxiously and he felt the fansite watching them. His eyes shifted over, looking at Seungcheol's phone as he scrolled through Instagram. 

"Do you want me to go away?" Seungcheol asked quietly. 

"No," Jeonghan said immediately. He wanted the _fansite_ to go away. He wanted Seungcheol to stay, to wrap his arm around him and calm him down, but even just _sitting_ together was reason for the fansite to post on Twitter and get the shippers excited. They couldn't have their relationship forced into the open, making it hard for them to do anything, even the smallest of things, in public. 

On the plane was just as hard. Jeonghan slept throughout the entire flight, but it wasn't a meaningful sleep. It was the kind of sleep that the slightest thing jolted him awake. His eyes flew open when the stewardess brought Joshua a drink, flinching when he saw her arm passing over top of him. She apologized for scaring him. He was scared awake when the plane dropped momentarily as it hit a bit of turbulence. His mind was filled with the noise of the members talking quietly with each other as he was trying to sleep. 

Upon landing, Jeonghan had a panic attack. They were the last ones on the plane and as he collected his things, he realized how harsh and sharp his breathing was. He blinked rapidly and became hyper-focused on the slick feeling of sweat at the nape of his neck. He stretched out a hand, take note of how much it was shaking. 

"I'm having a panic attack," he whispered, but it was so quiet that no one heard him. He pressed his shaking hand over his mouth. With shaking eyes, he looked around the members grabbing their overhead baggage for Seungcheol. But he was already down the aisle, about to step off the plane. 

"Woozi-ah, I think I'm having a panic attack," Jeonghan said in a choked voice, grabbing Jihoon's hand. 

"Oh?" Jihoon stopped and looked down at Jeonghan. "Ah... Ah, Seungcheollie-hyung, come back here for a second." 

And then everyone's eyes were on Jeonghan clutching Jihoon's hand, his other hand covering his mouth as he curled into himself. Seungcheol quickly came back down the aisle, dropping his bag in a seat and squeezing between Mingyu and Jun. Jihoon stepped aside.

Seungcheol put his hands on Jeonghan's shoulders and said, "Let's get off the plane, let's get off the plane. You're okay, let's get somewhere not so hot and cramped." 

Jeonghan clung to Seungcheol's arms as he pulled him up onto his feet. The members stepped out of the way, but just before the exit, Jeonghan's feet planted in place and he shook his head, pushing back against Seungcheol. 

"No, no, no, no, no," Jeonghan protested. He grabbed his chest, violent fear striking through him. "I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

"You're not going to die," Seungcheol assured. "It's just a panic attack. We've handled these lots of times before. You're going to be fine." 

But Jeonghan still wouldn't move, feeling more and more hysterical. Seungcheol wrapped his arms around his shoulders and leaned into him, pushing Jeonghan down until they were both on their knees, with Jeonghan completely folded into himself and Seungcheol, still hugging him tightly, pressed against him. Jeonghan coughed harshly, trying to gather a breath. His head was rumbling loudly, terrifying him. The fansites were out there, not far. They were going to take photos once they left the plane, they were going to see Jeonghan post-panic attack and the photos would blow up on the Internet, with people saying he looked like a corpse, saying he looked dead, wondering what was wrong with him. 

The other members quietly waited, their own throats tight with concern. 

It only took about five minutes before Jeonghan began to calm down again. Seungcheol sat them up and a stewardess crouched down, asking, "Did you want us to call you a cart to drive you to the private guest lounge?" 

Seungcheol nodded, thanking her. Jeonghan wiped his face of tears and took a shaky breath, still sitting on the floor. 

"I don't have my bag," Jeonghan said quietly to Seungcheol. 

"Can someone grab Jeonghan's bag?" Seungcheol asked, looking back at the members.

"Yeah, I have it," Seungkwan said.

"Alright, Seungkwan-ie will bring your bag with him to the lounge. Let's go out and the cart will be waiting. Do you have your hat?" 

Jeonghan sniffed and blinked slowly, his lashes still wet. "I think it's on my seat with my mask." 

Vernon came handed Jeonghan his bucket hat and medical mask, face concerned. Seungcheol put Jeonghan's hat and mask on and then they stood up. Finally, they started getting off the plane. Seungcheol gently hurried Jeonghan to the cart, camera flashes lighting up the arrivals lounge. The two of them sat in the cart and were driven off quickly, the other members following behind on foot. 

In the lounge, Jeonghan was directed by the managers to drink a bottle of water and eat a miniature bag of chocolate dipped pretzels before they left. The other members were taken off to the hotel. 

"What's been on your mind?" Seungcheol asked, watching Jeonghan munch on his pretzels. 

Jeonghan was silent for a few seconds, hesitating on what he wanted to say. "I think people have been noticing how ugly I am. And, um, just really useless for the group."

"You know that's not true," Seungcheol said firmly. "Where have you been coming across this stuff?" 

"On Twitter, Instagram and Naver." 

"You've been searching yourself?" 

Jeonghan nodded silently.

Seungcheol pulled out his phone and searched Jeonghan up to see for himself what exactly was being said. Just as he suspected, the photos circulating of Jeonghan seemed to exaggerate how exhausted and thin he was. One that was making it's rounds was just earlier before they'd boarded the plane. People were questioning why Jeonghan had his entire face covered; why he seemed so rumpled. 

"They're worried, Hannie," Seungcheol said softly. "But don't search yourself anymore, okay? Nothing good comes out of it."

"I know," Jeonghan admitted. He crumpled up the bag and took another sip of his water. "What if they find out, though?" 

"Find out about what?" 

Jeonghan's face tightened, a dimple forming between his eyebrows as tears pooled in his eyes suddenly. "About _everything_. I don't know. Just... What if people find out that I hurt myself and that I can't get through a fucking day without a panic attack and that I can't sleep or eat because of it and- and- and what if people find out that you and I are dating? People can't know that but there are always cameras on us even where there _shouldn't_ be and I just want, I'm just _scared_. I'm so scared all the time and I just want you to make me feel better but people will see everything and they can't."

Seungcheol grabbed Jeonghan's hands tightly, cupping them in his own, and said softly, "I know. And I want nothing more than to help you feel better even when there are cameras and fans around, but it's just not something that we can just ... do." 

He blinked and tightened his jaw, frustration scratching at his stomach. If anyone found out publicly that they were dating, Seventeen as a group would be over immediately - no holds barred. Seungcheol wished the industry wasn't the way it was towards idols dating, let alone two male idols dating each other. 

Seungcheol leaned forward and quickly kissed Jeonghan's tightly pressed lips, saying, "I love you, you know that, right?"

"I know," Jeonghan whispered, nodding his head and taking a deep breath. He leaned over, putting his head on Seungcheol's shoulder. Seungcheol wrapped his arm around him and stroked his hair, the two sitting in silence as Jeonghan slowly finished his water and pretzels, eventually growing tired as his mind cleared from the onslaught of negative thoughts. 

About half an hour later their manager came to get them and take them to the hotel as well. They were taken out a private entrance, and managed to slip away without anyone noticing. Most of the crowd had already left after the other members did. At the hotel, Jeonghan, Seungcheol and Joshua were sharing a room. Joshua was relaxing in bed when they walked in. 

"Hey," he greeted, glancing up at them. The manager followed them, pulling Jeonghan's suitcase and bag. 

Jeonghan went straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. 

Joshua glanced at the bathroom and then at Seungcheol and the manager. "What happened?" 

All Seungcheol had to say was: "He's been searching himself." There was no explanation needed; he didn't need to go into what Jeonghan found after searching his name. Joshua got the idea - it didn't matter what was floating around the internet, searching oneself was never an uplifting thing. 

And on the other side of the bathroom door, Jeonghan yet again typed his name into the search bar. The first dozen images that showed up were the ones taken of Seungcheol and the manager bustling Jeonghan from the plane to the cart. 

_Cute~ I wonder where they're going?_

_Jeonghan looks sick. Look at the way he's hugging his stomach. Aigoo~ hopefully he feels better <3_

_JEONGCHEOL LIVES THANK GOD _

_Hannie hasn't been looking well these days :( Look how skinny he's gotten. His clothes just hang off his frame like he's nothing but bone_

_Fansite-nim said Jeonghan and Seungcheol were taken to a private lounge and that Jeonghan was wiping his eyes like he'd been crying. What happened?_

_The WaY SEUngCheOL puTS hIS hanD On jeoNGHanS wAIst FUCk mE _

_jeongcheol on their way to get a good fuck in before their schedule_

_Is Jeonghan going through his emo phase what's going on_

Jeonghan caught himself digging his fingernails into his hip and quickly relaxed his hand. The bruise was beginning to fade finally, but it was still delicate enough to provide some sort of painful relief. He put his phone on the sink counter, stared at it for three seconds as if it was an illegal object, before picking it up again and tearing open the door, leaving the bathroom. 

Seungcheol and Joshua looked up at the sudden noise.

"Where's my bag?" Jeonghan asked tersely, agitated. 

"Right here," Seungcheol said, reaching down on the other side of the bed and handing it to him. 

Jeonghan took it and returned to the bathroom, dropping it heavily on the floor and violently starting the shower. He picked his bag up again and put it on the counter. 

It hit his phone and sent it spinning into the toilet bowl. 

Jeonghan clenched his jaw and swore loudly. He tightened his fists until he felt the sharp sting of his nails breaking into the skin of his palm before plucking his phone out of the water and tossing it unceremoniously on the floor. The loud noise of the shower felt like nails on a chalkboard in his head, making him want to pull out his hair. Jeonghan slammed the toilet lid down and looked at the light smears of blood on his palm. He dropped down into a crouch, breathing heavily from his sudden loss of control. 

_Ttuckttuckttuck._

"Hannie? What's going on?" Joshua asked from the other side of the door, hesitant. 

"Nothing," Jeonghan snapped. "I'm having a shower." 

The door handle rattled and then Joshua requested, "Can you unlock the door?"

"Why?"

There was a pause, but Jeonghan already knew _why_ Joshua wanted him to unlock the door. 

"We'd just feel better if the door wasn't locked," Joshua said slowly. "We won't come in." 

Jeonghan swallowed bitterly. "You won't come in unless you think I'm slitting my wrists, right?" He bit his tongue as soon as the words were out of his mouth, but he didn't move from his crouched position on the floor. 

"_Should_ we be worried about that?" 

Jeonghan looked at his palms again, his hands shaking. The shower was still running, the bathroom steaming up considerably. 

"Hannie? Unlock the door. Please," Joshua repeated, sounding more concerned. Jeonghan heard him call Seungcheol over. The door handle rattled again and Jeonghan stood up, leaned against the door, and unlocked it. 

"There," he said. "It's open. I don't want you to come in though. I'm okay. I'm just going to have a shower." 

Neither Seungcheol or Joshua responded, but Jeonghan felt they were still on the other side of the door. He stepped away and started pulling off his clothes, careful not to look at himself in the mirror. Anxiety was crawling over him like an army of ants and there was a heavy feeling inside of his chest, as if he'd just lost someone close to him. Tears gathered in his eyes as the genuine feeling of mourning hit him. Somebody died. He didn't know who yet, but there was someone in his life that just ceased to exist within the last five minutes. 

Jeonghan cried in the shower, his mind conjuring up dozens of possibilities about who could have died. His mom, his dad, his sister, one of the members, one of the staff members he'd spoken to twice, one of his favourite singers, et cetera. He didn't know who, but someone was gone. And he cried for them. 

He washed the blood off his palms, grimacing at the crescent shaped gouges in his skin. Eventually he stopped crying and stood, numb, under the hot water for ten additional minutes, doing nothing but breathing. 

"Jeonghan?" Seungcheol asked, knocking on the door. "Can I come in?" 

Jeonghan didn't answer, knowing his silence would invite Seungcheol in. He heard the door open and a draft of cold air hit him from around the shower curtain. Seungcheol closed the door and sat on the lid of the toilet, respecting Jeonghan's privacy. 

"What happened to your phone?" he asked, his voice low and smooth. 

"It fell in the toilet and I... I got angry and threw it against the wall," Jeonghan answered slowly. "How broken is it?" 

There were a few seconds of silence as Seungcheol picked up the phone and tested it. "The top half of the screen is completely black. You might be better off getting a new one." 

Jeonghan turned the shower off and stuck a hand out around the curtain, asking for a towel. 

"Do you want me to see if Minghao and Jun can stop by somewhere and pick you up a new phone? I think they're out for dinner right now." 

"Okay." 

Jeonghan dried himself off and then pulled back the curtain, stepping out of the tub. Seungcheol looked up at him, immediately noticed his puffy and red eyes, and put his cellphone down as he stood up and cupped Jeonghan's face, eyes sad for his boyfriend. Jeonghan shifted his eyes and read Seungcheol's message to Jun. 

_**Seungcheol **Hey can you and Myungho stop by somewhere and pick up a phone for Jeonghan? His is broken_

** _MoonJun_ ** _ yeah what kind does he want? _

** _MoonJun_ ** _ is he okay? haven't seen or heard from you guys since the airport_

Jeonghan sniffed and looked at Seungcheol's lips, mumbling, "You can let Jun know I want a Samsung Galaxy S10 plus in white. I'll pay him back." 

Seungcheol nodded. He dropped his hands and picked his phone up again, responding to Jun. Jeonghan grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the bathroom with him. Joshua was on his stomach on his bed, flicking through the TV channels mindlessly. He didn't say anything to the two. Jeonghan put on some comfortable cloths and then slid into bed, curling up and hugging a pillow. 

Around nine thirty, Minghao knocked on the door and Seungcheol opened it up. Jeonghan heard Minghao ask Seungcheol if Jeonghan was okay, and Seungcheol explain what had happened earlier that evening in a low voice. It was a quick exchange and Minghao said good night, before returning to his own room. Seungcheol handed Jeonghan the box, getting into bed beside him. Joshua was watching something on Netflix on his laptop. 

Seungcheol rested his head on a bent arm on is side and watched Jeonghan slowly open up the box. His movements were slow and lagged; his eyes were only half open, tiredness darkening beneath his lower lash line. With agonizing slowness, Jeonghan turned on and set up the basic information of the new phone, with Seungcheol watching him. 

"You should go to sleep," Seungcheol hummed. "This was a long day. 

"I'm fucking losing my mind," Jeonghan exhaled heavily, pushing the box and phone accessories onto the floor. He looked at Seungcheol and opened his palm, showing it to Seungcheol.

"When'd you do this?" Seungcheol asked, closing Jeonghan's hand and kissing his fingers. 

"When you and Shua wanted me to unlock the bathroom," Jeonghan told him. "I don't know why I keep hurting myself. It's not like I _plan_ to or _want _to. It just happens. Seungcheol, I don't- I don't know if I can do that radio appearance tomorrow. I'm _scared_." 

Seungcheol pulled Jeonghan towards him, hugging him. "I know. As soon as we're back home I'll talk to the CEO and see if we can get something for you. We'll get you back to yourself. It's been a busy year and it's unfortunately only going to get worse. I wish the company would let us, let _you_, breathe and just take a break to reset. That doesn't look like that'll be happening, but no matter what happens we're all going to be here."

Jeonghan remained silent, blinking and clenching Seungcheol's hands.

"Do you really think you can't do the radio appearance tomorrow?" Seungcheol asked.

Jeonghan shrugged helplessly. "I don't know."

"We'll see how you feel tomorrow morning. You might feel better after getting some sleep. For tonight, don't even think about it, okay?"

Jeonghan nodded. He knew he might feel better in the morning, and he knew he likely wouldn't have a choice about whether he attended the radio appearance or not, unless he was particularly bad the next day. He wiggled away from Seungcheol and plugged his new phone in, placing it on the side table. Then he rolled back over, grabbed Seungcheol's hand, and closed his eyes.

Sleep came early that night for once.

* * *

The next morning, Jeonghan _did _feel better. He joked around with the members. He had a full breakfast and travelled to the radio station without a face mask and glasses hiding his face. When they got to the station, the sight of the fansites made his stomach grow cold. Their cameras coldly stared at them as they hurried after the members. Jeonghan knew those photos would circulate within a few hours. He subtly grabbed Soonyoung's hand as they entered the station, squeezing his fingers. 

Soonyoung unhappily looked over at the fansites and ran his finger tips over the scabs on Jeonghan's palm. Before they began the radio show, the members did their best to ground Jeonghan and keep him attached to the current moment as they counted down the minutes until going live. And they were all Jeonghan had as the CEO refused to authorise anything to help him through the days. 


End file.
